Everything is better when it's real
by inactiveGE
Summary: In order to maintain perspective, Remus has decided to keep a journal, marauders era. Oneshot, exploring significant moments in a SiriusRemus established relationship. Warning for slash, yaoi, whatever you want to call it. OTP Rated for themes.


Disclaimer: All characters belong to JKR, nothing belongs to me.

A/N: First hp fic I beleive. Well, pure hp. And I'd like to state I never even knew about this paring until about three days ago when I was browsing through deviantart. -- who knew, you really can make a pairing out of everything. Damn the addictiveness of HP, I needed to get this out of my system. Source of inspiration: well drawn comic too. Made me laugh. Anyways, enjoy!

Comments: Don't be stingy now. I'll use flames... for marshmallows? I live in Florida, we don't get cold.

SLASH! WARNING!

* * *

This is my first time writing… in something I wouldn't have to show anyone else. It's my first time really ever writing about something I wouldn't tell my friends… not a one.

But I have to tell someone, and if it's to this journal, then so be it.

I'll avoid the mention of names to prevent from further prosecution should this… thing ever be found. I'm not exactly proud of it… I'm not exactly proud of the load of things I've been doing, becoming lately, but it's what's real now. And I need to see it on paper… to know it's real, to remind myself its real.

We slept together again today. No one's quite figured us out yet. They still see us as friends, he keeps up his image very well, and I continue to hide away in my books.

He found me in the library, trying, in a futile way, to get some homework done before the weekend. He said he needed to owl his mum something, not that I believed such a blatant lie, but I followed along.

Turns out there's a hidden room near the owlry, another hidden passage way. Already marked the map up for it. Honestly, of all the marauders, he finds the most hiding places with that one motivation… snogging perhaps. But more to get into my pants than anything.

Not that I really mind.

I'm not sure how long this can go on for, it's been happening since the end of 5th year... although the feelings have been going on for a bit longer than that. But, still, sometimes I worry, what's to become of us afterwards?

We're at the beginning of seventh year now. He worries me sometimes. He never thinks anything through, let alone the future. He doesn't quite understand why I get upset when asked to speak about the future.

It's understandable; I'm a werewolf half-blood poor gay wizard. Not that the wizarding community harbors much prejudice towards them. The queer, that is. What with the constant worry about blood, and well, just all the bloody shit it's gone through to get to this point. Mentally, perhaps, we are much more mature, experienced, than most of the muggle world.

But that doesn't change the fact that Voldemort is becoming a threat. Or that politics have been becoming very stupid lately. I don't know what job I can keep, and while he's capable of working anywhere, he is sometimes more of a kid than anything.

Got to go, James just burst yelling about dinner time.

* * *

I don't think I'll write dates in here. 

Lucius looked at me oddly today. He was the one walking in the hall when I was snogging in the crook of the library. We always take the map with us when on our little ventures, more because of my precaution than anything.

Does he know? We were very silent when we saw him coming. But you can never be certain, can you.

On a brighter note, it seems he may actually be thinking about the future, as hard as it may be to believe. But he won't tell me what it is. It frustrates me a bit, and James always gives me a sympathetic look when I beg him to tell me, or to find out.

I feel like a school girl now, planning how the apartment will look when we move out. I spoke to the headmaster about my problems. What institutions will accept a werewolf, despite the extremely high level of test scores?

He told me I need not worry, as he could speak to a few friends, and meanwhile to think of a few jobs I would like to do. It makes me very optimistic for the future.

Still, there are times when I go into bouts of worry again. My friends joke about it being 'that time of the month', but it's more than that, and he knows that. He knows that it's because of what I see in his eyes at times, a sad look, despite the gleam and claim of him hiding a surprise for me.

He tells me I shouldn't worry about my future, sometimes he completely forgets about the moon part, which truly makes me tremble with adoration. And whenever I remind him of the affliction he aggressively promises sound beatings to my future antagonists. It's moments like those that I initiate the kiss, surprising both of us as I am usually the hesitant one, always worried about whose around and whose watching.

I love him.

* * *

I bloody hate politics and every stupid word about mud bloods and Voldemort. It's as if no one can live a semi-normal existence in the wizarding world. 

I see it in James and Sirius's eyes, the untamed fury at the shithole the world is going into because of the incompetence. Peter just quietly sits and eats his toast, almost nervously. He's afraid. I know the fury the other two feel but I am torn. I'm torn between fear and anger, because I understand the irrationality of only following one thing full heartedly.

But that's what my friends have always been. Irrational and passionate. Perhaps Gryffindor holds this trait; it is not so much courage as folly.

In any case, we always forget about the world when we're alone. I begged him to go on a walk last night. I can never sleep. He complained of the freezing weather, but then took advantage of holding my hand anyways.

"When are we going to tell the others?" I asked, when I was sure we were not only out of earshot but also out of sight. Everyone else was asleep and we were walking where no one ever went. Map was in hand as well, of course.

"Who says they have to know?" He grinned mischievously, and squeezed my hand. I blushed, and he couldn't see in the darkness. There was no moon tonight.

We had been together for basically the summer after fifth year, and all of sixth year, seventh year was halfway finished, and James was completely oblivious due to his newfound partner in Lily. Peter hung around us and we welcomed him when James was too busy with his 'lady'. (James, of course, remained our loyal best friend. He just, very masterfully, balanced his time between friends and girlfriend. But that's an entry for another time.)

Sirius is very playful with Peter. I don't mean to be unkind, but Peter is almost like Sirius's puppy. Should I say pup?

Since he's matured a bit, I suppose you could say Sirius is almost a father figure to hesitant and nervous Pettigrew, introducing him to girls and using him as a flirt decoy when he needs to get away from a particularly voracious group of girls.

It makes me a bit more amused at low points in my day rather than annoyed.

He always comes to me.

* * *

Well, they found out, not even really because of something either of us did together. It was actually, surprisingly, because of Lucius. 

I'm shaking a bit. Prongs handed me a cup of cocoa already. He knows I'm relaxed by Chocolate.

Padfoot has his arm, bruised hand, around me, hugging me tightly to his chest. I'm very warm right now. Peter is anxiously trying to help by bringing a constant flow of sweets in. It makes me smile a bit. I'm writing, because Prongs is to busy speaking to Lily outside about the incident, and I made Sirius promise not to look.

I'm a lot better now than a few hours earlier though.

I was walking to the library, when Lucius petrified me. I wasn't expecting it.

At first, I thought he had found out about me and... Well, and he was going to beat me for it, if only because I was a mudblood.

And he did begin to rant about my being a mudblood, but he spoke as if that was my only crime. At first, I was relieved. Far better to have kept the secret and still be beaten than for the secret to be out.

But... then he kissed me. And I had never felt as vile as I did after that. He claimed that my pristine body was too dirty to belong to me. It had shocked me, but Lucius was into men.

Only he thought I wasn't.

But I knew he wasn't acting on love. It was hate. I saw it in his eyes. Hardly any room for the lust either. "Master will be pleased." He had whispered, and I knew at that moment, he had been ordered by Voldemort. Perhaps not to hurt me specifically. Perhaps maybe just to terrorize and traumatize as many innocents as possible.

But then, it may have been because of my monster side.

He didn't get as far as unbuttoning my school shirt before a teacher was coming and he unpetrified me, then warned me not to tell anyone. Because he knew I was a half-wolf. And he would tell everyone.

I couldn't speak after that, of course. I couldn't even go inside the library.

Padfoot found me on the floor of Moaning Myrtles bathroom, the closest in the vicinity, the water running, and I was dead to the world.

He shook me several times before I looked at him. Then he did something unexpected. He shifted to his animagus form. I didn't think to ask why. He began licking me, maybe as comfort. But then he began sniffing me. Sniffing my face and my shirt, all of me.

Dully, I realized in human form his acquired dog traits had allowed him to smell someone else's scent on me, and by shifting to full dog form the scent was ever stronger.

Then he shifted back and there was untamed anger on his face. He took out a mirror, I don't know why I had never thought this odd. He started yelling for Prongs. He yelled directions into it. Third floor bathroom. He had the map with him, he had used it to look for me evidently.

He handed me the mirror and I was face to face with Prongs, who was talking fast and somehow soothing words. Then Padfoot left me, and I felt a dull pang. He took off in a run, map in hand.

A few seconds, or was in minutes? Prongs appeared with Wormtail in tow, and they heaved me up off the wet floor, and Prongs whispered comforting 'let's just get the bloody hell out of here's.

When they got me back to the dorm, Prongs yelling at the common room to mind their own bloody business, they sat me down in the bathroom, and Prongs ordered Wormtail to get chocolate. Wormtail agreed and he left. Then Prongs looked me hard in the eye and told me Padfoot, at this moment, was seeking revenge on my behalf and to tell him exactly what was going on, because he had never seen Sirius get so worked up.

So I told him about Lucius, and I told him about Padfoot, and I told him about sixth year.

To my surprise he began to laugh. "So Padfoot's getting territorial on us now!" Then he sobered and asked if I wanted a shower, as he understood that's what most seemed to want after dirt touches them. I nodded and he left me to undress myself, hot water already ready. He said he would check on me in fifteen minutes, naked or not.

This made me smile a bit.

When I stepped out, less than fifteen minutes later, Padfoot was pacing the room, James was in a corner, arms crossed, and eyes as dark as Sirius as they spoke. Peter was on his bed, legs crossed, trying not to look at the load of chocolate he had picked up for me.

They turned to me, James and Peter with half open mouths. Padfoot stopped mid-pace, walked over, and pulled me into a tight hug.

When he pulled back, I realized I was naked. Padfoot draped his school robe over me, for which I was grateful.

They sat me down on his bed and that was when Lily knocked on our door. She had actually been visiting our dorm quite often now being girlfriend to James. None of us minded much, she was another unpredictable aspect to our lives, though for the most part we enjoyed her.

She sounded concerned and James stepped out to talk to her.

Padfoot had beaten Lucius very well, and he was already in the infirmary. But none of that matters now.

He kisses the top of my head and promises they'll avenge their fellow marauder.

I think I'm going to be fine.

* * *

It's been a few months since that incident. School is about to come to an end. 

I love Sirius. There, I said it. On here. It's documented, because I don't care what they think anymore. I am beyond the point of caring.

The whole school knows now anyways. After Lucius, Sirius made sure to make it known I was not to be messed with. It was cute, his extra territorial nature. Now it's sometimes a bit annoying.

But I figure it's only a few more months of school and then we leave. No more giggling girls trying to get a sneak peek at Sirius and me in a moment. Honestly, I'd have thought they'd be somewhat morose at the fact that Sirius is no longer an open market.

But instead they've turned into little peeping fan girls!

Well, I suppose it's one of those oddities in life. And besides, Sirius loves the attention. And I despise it. It is as it's always been essentially.

James and Lily are getting on pretty well. Lily and I have become closer as well. It seems we have become more of her school family than her other friends. I asked her if she had thought about the future and James the other day while we were studying in the Library. The one place our respective partners won't follow.

She blushed furiously, and murmured she and James might move in together. My eyebrows rose. Sirius and I had never really mentioned this. It worried me. I asked about job options, because maybe she knew about what Sirius had in store.

She spoke gravely. "James and I are becoming Aurors, we're certain. We've talked to the headmaster and a few teachers have already tried to talk us out of it, but we're certain. With Voldemort on the rise, the world is going to need as much of us as possible."

And then I realized the double meaning in her words. I understood the sadness in her eyes. I loved Lily, but god, it was a hard lesson to learn, the lesson that kept me from hating her at that moment.

Sirius was going to become an Auror. And my denial kept me from seeing it before. It was something I had not wanted to see.

I stood and excused myself.

It suddenly became clear to me, why he would want to hide it. Why the headmaster had looked at me oddly when I told him I wasn't exactly sure what places would accept me.

I found Sirius lounging in the common room, playing chess with James. I came up to them and demanded to speak with him. James looked oddly at Sirius, but when Sirius met my eyes, he seemed to understand. He nodded, and we left the common room.

My feet were traveling for me, and I soon found myself, Sirius trailing behind solemnly, at the side of a deserted lake.

Then I turned to him. "I want to talk about the future." He was getting that exasperated look in his eyes again, but then I started yelling before he could speak. "Why didn't you tell me you wanted to be an Auror? Why did you keep it from me? I've been worrying all this time that you weren't even thinking about your future, that after Hogwarts we would just go our respective ways, because you didn't care about us... but now you're just going to throw your life away?" He was crossing his arms now, keeping his lips pursed, his eyes were getting darker, I continued with my rant, it was so unlike me, I was exhilarated. High on the adrenaline rush of such wild exposure unknown to me in human form.

"Do you know how many Aurors are dying every day? Mysterious poisonings, disappearances, surprise attacks at people's homes, on people's _children_. The reason why they need more Aurors is not because there were never enough to begin with! It's because they're murdering them by the hundreds all over the world daily! If James goes, we don't need you gone too..." I trailed off, just thinking of the pain Lily went through.

"James is my best mate, and I'm not going to leave him there alone."

"What about me?" There was fear in my eyes, I knew. And for once what was in my eyes and in my voice matched completely. "You're just going to leave me alone?"

"You can do anything you want, Remus. But I'm not going to let my friends die alone on that battlefield." There was a spark in his eyes that had never really been turned towards me before. Anger brewed in his voice, his hands flew in gestures as he spoke. "Remus, we're going to war, I love you, but god, I want to love you in a world where we're free and alive enough to enjoy it!"

"Then I'm going to be an Auror too." I said, so quietly I wasn't sure I had said it at all until I looked up and saw the horror in Sirius's face, all traces of anger gone.

"Remus..." He said softly. His hand came to caress my shoulder. "I won't leave you, you don't..."

"I want to." I sounded more sure than I think I felt. But I didn't care.

After that there was a bit of yelling, but I refused to be moved. We left, seeking solitude from each other.

Maybe the world does need more courage, people willing to fight for the good cause.

Being constantly conflicted, I would never know what exactly 'good' is.

But I will always follow one rule. **I will always follow Sirius. **


End file.
